Guilt

We all deal with guilt in different ways. One of my professors today said that when he feels guilty, he gets pissed. No one likes to feel bad about the things that they do (or don't do). I'm not sure where all this guilt comes from for me lately, but I've been feeling a lot of it. (See this post for more on my guilt.) And when I feel guilty... I eat. It's not exactly helping my goal of eating healthy, working out, and losing weight. So as I gain weight, I feel even more guilty.

This chart pretty much sums up how I deal with responsibility...

There are things in my life that I should be doing, but don't. There are positive, correct, and "good" decisions I should be making, but I'm not. There are responsibilites I should be taking care of, but I'm not.

One of my main guilts right now is not having a job. I am relying on hubby for nearly everything financially right now. I don't feel like I'm contributing my fair share, even though I do the dishes, cooking, most of the cleaning, and the laundry about half the time. My student financial aid is messed up and I did not get the aid money I thought I was going to. They're trying to work it out right now with some new information, but it's not looking promising. I've applied for at least 15 jobs and gotten one interview... over 2 weeks ago. It's probably time to start a new round of applications, but the next round goes to place like Wal-Mart (where I worked before and hated) or Target (where I love to shop and thus don't want to work there and come to hate it). Following that, if a job does not present itself, I will be applying at restaurants as a waitress. I really just want to get this job at Theisen's. (For those of you, not from Iowa/Midwest, Thiesen's is a farm supply store.) I called the manager who interviewed me and he said corporate put a freeze on their hiring for 2 weeks. So hopefully next week, he can offer me a job as my app is still at the top of his pile. But I needed to start working 3 weeks ago. *le sigh*

I wanted to start walking yesterday. I had a goal of walking for 45 minutes which would hopefully be 2 miles. But it looked like rain all day so I pacified myself by saying, "If I go out now, it will rain on me. I will be wet and get sick." (Not that I've ever gotten sick from the rain!) And guess what? No rain at all yesterday. Begin another guilt cycle about that.

In conclusion... wait. What? I have no conclusion. I should be doing homework as I'm writing this because I have a break until class starts, but no. I'm not being responsible and now I'm feeling guilty about that, too. There is no easy solution and everyone wants to shirk on responsibilities from time to time so I guess the key is balance. Work with play. Pleasure with pain.

(This is the awesome blog I got my chart from. Read the article, it's hilarious and I wish I'd thought of it first: Hyperbole and a Half.)