At this point, I'm wondering why I even started doing this "30 Days of Truth" thing. So now, I have to take a break... to think.
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So, I did some thinking. It wasn't so much about not having anything to forgive myself for, because I can think of plenty of things I need to let go, but what I want to share with you. (So now, I'm sure you're wondering what kind of skeletons are in my closet... haha! Just the usual... nothing crazy. Not really.)
So, here it is.
I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in regards to my academic journey. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't take my scholarship to Iowa State. Or I wish that I hadn't chosen a school based on a relationship that didn't work out. Or I wish I would have transferred after freshman year like I thought I should have. I wish I would have insisted my advisor let me change my major to English Education even if it is "a very specific path that I would have been behind on".
But, had I not gone to Iowa State, I never would have met Will or any of my amazing friends. I never would have had the experiences from 18-21 that made me who I am now.
And yes, I won't be 25 until I graduate with my B.A. But guess what? In the end? It will have all been worth it. And there are worse things that you can be...
Sunday, November 28
Thursday, November 25
Day 2: Something I love about myself
I think this post is harder to write than day 1. We don't often find it acceptable to brag about ourselves, but I guess for today it's perfectly acceptable.
If you know me at all, you know I have a tendency to go off on tangents. Often, these tangents are in the form of rants that make my blood boil, make me see things through a skewed perspective, and generally am unable to simply "let things go". I'm more likely to get riled up about something else and forget the original rant for a time. Now, I know, this doesn't exactly sound like something all that positive, but it is.
I am very passionate. About so many things.
I have a strong opinion about just about everything. And if I don't have one or don't have enough information to have an informed opinion, I'll go out and get the adequate information so that I too, can take a stance on soy vs. low fat lattes. (I actually don't give a hoot about what kind of milk that's in my coffee, but I choose non-fat skim because it's real dairy and soy still kind of freaks me out. Yes, lack of education, but also funds. What if I did discover I feel strongly about soy and then couldn't afford it all the time? Then I would just be sad. Anyway... see, the tangent?)
Many of you have seen my rants on twitter... and a few even on blogger. And even more in an IM if you've ever been in a chat room or on AIM or GTalk with me. I have a big heart, a mind that constantly needs direction, and a passion that is forever stoked by the stimuli around me.
I won't go into details on what I'm passionate about, but I will give you an idea of a few of the things I care deeply about. (I think later on, 30 days asks about these other things, so stay tuned. Ha!)
Education. Abortion.
The Death Penalty. Politics.
Red vs. Blue. Religion. Children on medication.
Adults with disabilities. Child labor.
AIDS. The war. Government spending. Books Writing. Art. Funding for art.
Consumerism. Music. Broadway
Clocks. Jeans. Clinique.
I realize that some of those seem silly, but I have a degree of passion related to all of them. Some of the views may seem obscure and sometimes my passion could be me in trouble or cause me to put my foot in my mouth, but overall, having passion and caring about things and people has generally treated me well in life. I dream big because I expect big things out of myself and those around me. I expect the best effort out of everyone because to give any thing less is to cheat yourself and possibly the whole world out of excellence. I love easily and deeply. I trust the same way. But give me reason to take either away and you may never see it again.
So passion. What I love about myself is my passion.
If you know me at all, you know I have a tendency to go off on tangents. Often, these tangents are in the form of rants that make my blood boil, make me see things through a skewed perspective, and generally am unable to simply "let things go". I'm more likely to get riled up about something else and forget the original rant for a time. Now, I know, this doesn't exactly sound like something all that positive, but it is.
I am very passionate. About so many things.
I have a strong opinion about just about everything. And if I don't have one or don't have enough information to have an informed opinion, I'll go out and get the adequate information so that I too, can take a stance on soy vs. low fat lattes. (I actually don't give a hoot about what kind of milk that's in my coffee, but I choose non-fat skim because it's real dairy and soy still kind of freaks me out. Yes, lack of education, but also funds. What if I did discover I feel strongly about soy and then couldn't afford it all the time? Then I would just be sad. Anyway... see, the tangent?)
Many of you have seen my rants on twitter... and a few even on blogger. And even more in an IM if you've ever been in a chat room or on AIM or GTalk with me. I have a big heart, a mind that constantly needs direction, and a passion that is forever stoked by the stimuli around me.
I won't go into details on what I'm passionate about, but I will give you an idea of a few of the things I care deeply about. (I think later on, 30 days asks about these other things, so stay tuned. Ha!)
Education. Abortion.
The Death Penalty. Politics.
Red vs. Blue. Religion. Children on medication.
Adults with disabilities. Child labor.
AIDS. The war. Government spending. Books Writing. Art. Funding for art.
Consumerism. Music. Broadway
Clocks. Jeans. Clinique.
I realize that some of those seem silly, but I have a degree of passion related to all of them. Some of the views may seem obscure and sometimes my passion could be me in trouble or cause me to put my foot in my mouth, but overall, having passion and caring about things and people has generally treated me well in life. I dream big because I expect big things out of myself and those around me. I expect the best effort out of everyone because to give any thing less is to cheat yourself and possibly the whole world out of excellence. I love easily and deeply. I trust the same way. But give me reason to take either away and you may never see it again.
So passion. What I love about myself is my passion.
Wednesday, November 24
More of what I'm thankful for...
Thanks siouxcityjournal.com!
Salt trucks. Snow plows. And the men and women who give up their holidays to go scrap the roads so we can all drive to see our loved ones safely.
I have 2 uncles (one is a great-uncle, or my mother's uncle) who work for the county back home. They both have, at some point during their tenure, driven the the road grader during the summer to make our gravel roads nice. They also are the ones who get called into work at 4 am on Christmas morning to scrap the ice off the road so everyone can make it to church and over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. It also occasionally involves working late into the night, on the weekends, and in the blowing wind when you can barely see! They do receive great compensation for this, but let's face it... they'd rather be home with their families too!
So the next time you drive on a newly cleared road, remember the man or woman who went out in the bad weather and away from their family so your drive could be a little bit safer! Especially this Thanksgiving weekend!
Monday, November 22
What I'm thankful for...
Taking a page from Erin over at The Silver Lining's book, I'm going to write about what I'm thankful for this week.
Today, I am most thankful for my husband and my family. I am awfully needy sometimes, like today when I discovered that I will have reached my max for federal Stafford Loans. So, I'm in need of some other way to pay for school. Enter the AmeriCorps. I will be thankful for them if I get the job. It won't pay much more than minimum wage, but it will give me health insurance and $5,500 for school and part of that will be matched by ISU, so I could be transferring back there.
But anyway... thankful. For my husband. He takes me phone calls, often when I'm in tears and uses his 30 minute break to drive 10 minutes home to see me for 10 minutes and then drive back to work for 10 minutes. He hugs me and encourages me and tells me that I can make it and meet my goals. He is a fantastic supporter and I love him to pieces.
Along that same line, I am thankful for my parents, my brother and sister, and my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am lucky to know each of them well and know I could call on any of them in time of need and they would be there to support me.
However, I am also thankful that I am the way I am and all the progress I've made. A year ago, a set back like this would have stopped me from being able to continue on, but now I have the tenacity to continue on. No matter what.
Today, I am most thankful for my husband and my family. I am awfully needy sometimes, like today when I discovered that I will have reached my max for federal Stafford Loans. So, I'm in need of some other way to pay for school. Enter the AmeriCorps. I will be thankful for them if I get the job. It won't pay much more than minimum wage, but it will give me health insurance and $5,500 for school and part of that will be matched by ISU, so I could be transferring back there.
But anyway... thankful. For my husband. He takes me phone calls, often when I'm in tears and uses his 30 minute break to drive 10 minutes home to see me for 10 minutes and then drive back to work for 10 minutes. He hugs me and encourages me and tells me that I can make it and meet my goals. He is a fantastic supporter and I love him to pieces.
Along that same line, I am thankful for my parents, my brother and sister, and my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am lucky to know each of them well and know I could call on any of them in time of need and they would be there to support me.
However, I am also thankful that I am the way I am and all the progress I've made. A year ago, a set back like this would have stopped me from being able to continue on, but now I have the tenacity to continue on. No matter what.
Tuesday, November 16
Home Stretch
Currently, I am sitting at the top of week 13 of classes. 4 more weeks of class before finals which means 8 more class periods for three of my classes and only four more for another. Wow! It seems like it was August just yesterday. And some days, I wish it was.
Christmas is coming soon. I have no idea what to get most of my family for Christmas, let alone the mister. He's never any help for ideas either. He always says "I don't want anything, but I need socks." Ok, so I get him a package of socks but that is NOT a Christmas present. I don't like buying him books, because books are a very personal thing. And his parents always get him books. Books he doesn't really read. He works hard all day at a computer, entering in numbers, and analyzing statistics. From what I've observed, all he wants to do once he gets home is sit on the couch and relax. He does help me cook or do dishes or clean a little a bit. But some nights he goes to the gym. He exercises for at least 45 minutes a day, 6 days a week. If only I too had that ambition. Anyway, you can kind of see my dilemma at what to get him for Christmas. I'm sure once I go shopping, I'll find something that will be so perfect it will be hard to resist.
So those are my thoughts today, simple. I'm just trying to get done. Getting done with school is my primary concern these days. I have others as well, like maintaining my relationship with my husband, doing some reading/professional development, and worrying (of course), but school is the goal. I think I'll cry the day I finally get my B.A. And then go out and party like it's 1999!!! (And no, I'm not too young to fully get that reference. Almost, but not quite.)
Christmas is coming soon. I have no idea what to get most of my family for Christmas, let alone the mister. He's never any help for ideas either. He always says "I don't want anything, but I need socks." Ok, so I get him a package of socks but that is NOT a Christmas present. I don't like buying him books, because books are a very personal thing. And his parents always get him books. Books he doesn't really read. He works hard all day at a computer, entering in numbers, and analyzing statistics. From what I've observed, all he wants to do once he gets home is sit on the couch and relax. He does help me cook or do dishes or clean a little a bit. But some nights he goes to the gym. He exercises for at least 45 minutes a day, 6 days a week. If only I too had that ambition. Anyway, you can kind of see my dilemma at what to get him for Christmas. I'm sure once I go shopping, I'll find something that will be so perfect it will be hard to resist.
So those are my thoughts today, simple. I'm just trying to get done. Getting done with school is my primary concern these days. I have others as well, like maintaining my relationship with my husband, doing some reading/professional development, and worrying (of course), but school is the goal. I think I'll cry the day I finally get my B.A. And then go out and party like it's 1999!!! (And no, I'm not too young to fully get that reference. Almost, but not quite.)
Friday, November 12
Day 1: Something I hate about myself
Wow. What a downer post. But it's only day 1. There are bound to be good things coming right? Ok... so one thing I hate about myself:
I am moody. Like... incredibly moody. I snap at my husband for no reason at all, or my mother, or whoever happens to be the one calling me. I feel just fine and then I open my mouth and anger spews from it. Then he asks me what's wrong and I get defensive, saying "Nothing." He keeps questioning me because obviously from his perspective something is wrong.
Maybe I need a sign that I can walk around with that says "Caution: Moody". I've been moody as long as I can remember. And it's no where near what it was in my angsty teen years. Then, doctors chalked it up to depression. But I don't feel like that's the real problem now.
But, yes, sometimes now I feel bad about myself because almost all my friends my age that I went to ISU with have their B.A.'s and I kinda messed up, picked a new program, and chose a new path. And yes, I feel guilty not working and contributing to the running of my home financially. And yes, sometimes I feel bad that I don't clean the house as much as I could. But depressed, no? I am not crying on a daily basis like I have before or am perpetually angry.
It's just sometimes, when I'm in the middle of writing and my husband asks me a question like "Where's the peanut butter?" I get frustrated. Because, well, I don't know. I'd have to get up and look. But in reality, it just goes faster if he asks me and I go get it. Because he can't find anything. And that's a fact.
So, I'm not depressed, I don't feel like I have anger issues... I just get frustrated easily these days. My patience is a little thin. There are so many things I could be doing. But instead, I'm still jumping through hoops. I'm hoping when the jumping is over, the moodiness will subside as well.
I am moody. Like... incredibly moody. I snap at my husband for no reason at all, or my mother, or whoever happens to be the one calling me. I feel just fine and then I open my mouth and anger spews from it. Then he asks me what's wrong and I get defensive, saying "Nothing." He keeps questioning me because obviously from his perspective something is wrong.
Maybe I need a sign that I can walk around with that says "Caution: Moody". I've been moody as long as I can remember. And it's no where near what it was in my angsty teen years. Then, doctors chalked it up to depression. But I don't feel like that's the real problem now.
But, yes, sometimes now I feel bad about myself because almost all my friends my age that I went to ISU with have their B.A.'s and I kinda messed up, picked a new program, and chose a new path. And yes, I feel guilty not working and contributing to the running of my home financially. And yes, sometimes I feel bad that I don't clean the house as much as I could. But depressed, no? I am not crying on a daily basis like I have before or am perpetually angry.
It's just sometimes, when I'm in the middle of writing and my husband asks me a question like "Where's the peanut butter?" I get frustrated. Because, well, I don't know. I'd have to get up and look. But in reality, it just goes faster if he asks me and I go get it. Because he can't find anything. And that's a fact.
So, I'm not depressed, I don't feel like I have anger issues... I just get frustrated easily these days. My patience is a little thin. There are so many things I could be doing. But instead, I'm still jumping through hoops. I'm hoping when the jumping is over, the moodiness will subside as well.
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